Saturday, January 12, 2008

The Story

Well, I promised the story of how we made the decision to have another baby, and I have had plenty of time to sit down before now, but when I have a minute, I just want to lay down. Like right now, I would much rather be in bed, but I will suck it up to tell the story.
At the beginning of the summer, I decided I wouldn't think about it until school started, which obviously on July 30th, I wasn't doing a good job of that. So when school started I started thinking and worrying again about it. One Sunday morning I was laying in bed stressing, trying to process it all, and I finally realized how silly it all was. Its not really even my decision to make. Whichever way I decide, God can have a different decision entirely. So that morning, I told God I wouldn't stress about it anymore, but I did need some confirmation that I should get off the pill so that He could decide.
"Coincidentally", my teaching partner was out that week with a sick child, and I had two subs working with me who both had their third child this last spring. So on Tuesday I worked with Cynthia who, even though her husband is working out of town so she is parenting alone, went on and on about how wonderful it was to have three boys, and how she couldn't imagine her life without them. And God's knock on the back of my head came when she said the only problem was that they had gotten rid of all of their baby stuff. I STILL HAVE ALL MY STUFF! When we moved, I wouldn't let Jason get rid of it. When we found our big house, I told the realtor that a certain bedroom would be great for the third baby. So obviously, I always thought in the back of my head that I wanted one more, so why was I worrying so much. On Thursday I worked with Christina, who also said that it was so much fun to have her three. And I keep her baby, and she is so easy and calm. So that was my last week of the pill. And three months later, here we are.
Now, I will say, I am still scared of this whole thing. Our pastor's son and daughter-in-law lost their baby at 22 weeks this week. Bad things do happen to good people. I just have to trust that everything is in God's hands. I am still scared that when he/she is born I will be overwhelmed, but people do it all the time and I am a very in control person. The funny thing is that my doctor found a positive result that said I'm a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis, and wanted to do more testing, but we decided not to. And I'm not worried about it. Why I am worried about the unknown out of control things, but not the things I might could do something about? Weird. Or just human.
I am a little queasy first thing in the morning, and then fine until late afternoon, when it comes back. And I am tired and unmotivated all day. Jason has been great, and I am so blessed with independent children who don't get into trouble. They can take care of themselves with a little guidance. I've moved on from tuna fish to turkey and cheese sandwiches with lays potato chips. Oh, we did go to the doctor on Monday for our first sonogram and there is only one baby in there, THANK GOODNESS! That was one fear out of the way. Everything looks good. The only bad part about this so far is how our insurance changed Jan. 1st. Cade cost me $30 to have. I will not talk about how much this is costing us. But it was God's decision, so it will all work out... right? RIGHT!

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