To have or not to have...

I am debating daily about whether or not we should have a third child. I love babies, love being pregnant, really don't mind childbirth (I think God helps you forget that part), and don't mind nursing. But I really don't want to gain and then try to lose weight again since I've heard its harder when you are older. Don't really want to go through the losing sleep again. I am weeks away from no more diapers. But I feel like there is a hole in our family. I really would like to try one more time for a girl so I can have a relationship like I have with my mom. But what if its another boy. Can I handle the yelling, screaming, throwing, fighting, and wrestling multiplied, or would that happen even if it was a girl. And can I handle three, because there are some days when the screaming is coming from me that I'm not quite sure.

Jason doesn't care one way or the other. But his questions to me were do you just miss having a baby, because if that's it, you'll want another one later, and there are no more after three, so just get over that now. Or do you really want a girl, if so we should just adopt one. If we have another one I want to do it soon because I don't want them too far apart, but if we have another one we have to get a new car because we don't have room for three kids in my camry, but we don't have money right now to get one.

So, do you see my horrible thought process? I think through these thoughts daily! Its driving me crazy! Cooper we just decided on because when its your first you really don't know what you are deciding on, and a month later I was pregnant, and Cade was a wonderful surprise. So I haven't had to make this kind of decision. I tell myself to just pray about it and wait for God's answer, and trust Him. But it isn't working. I was hoping that teaching in the infant class in our preschool would curb my desires, but it only made it worse. Those sweet babies are so cute and I am fairly good with babies. But what if I run out of my good luck and get a child with a not so cute personality? (I have taught some) Or have a child with a disability? I know that sounds very selfish and horrible, but no one can tell me they have never had those thoughts. Or even worse, TWINS! I have a friend at church who decided to have a third and is having twins! TRUST GOD! TRUST GOD! TRUST GOD! Right?