I realized the other day I was about to hit 200, and I thought that might need a more meaningful post than my favorite things, which I have been working on this week and will post another day. But what to write about that would warrant this momentous occasion? My children, my husband, baseball, my continuous struggle with dishes, laundry and dirty bathrooms? While all of those things would indeed be important since they are important parts of my life, I think I just want to be thankful. I went back to look at my very first post, made on 3/18/06, and I was overwhelmed reading it with thankfulness for my Daddy who has held on to me so tightly the past 5 years. Here is a portion of it.
"We took Cooper a few weeks ago to get retested for his allergies. It was the first time he was able to be skin tested, so Jason sat in a recliner and Cooper sat in his lap, chest to chest, while they did 84 pricks on his back. Not so bad. Cooper did great. But then they had to do 9 shots on his arms and take two viles of blood. Very bad! We were all holding him down while he is crying and screaming at the top of his lungs, "STOP DADDY! STOP!" And he's looking at me with a look I hope no other parent has to see, a look that said, "Why are you letting them do this to me!" It was horrible. So keep that picture in mind...
The next morning I was meeting with a friend and I was telling her how God and I are right now. I love God, I trust Him, I know He has a wonderful plan for me and my family, I know years from now I'll be able to look back and see that plan, and I am excited about it. But right now, I don't like Him much. I really don't want to talk to Him because I'm mad about where we are in the plan right now. And I was wondering if He minds that attitude or not. And while I'm talking to my friend, God hit me with "You are Cooper."
I am being tested (in a sense), but He is holding me chest to chest while I'm crying and screaming and its ok. Jason and I knew the big picture for Cooper, how this testing was going to help him feel better in the long run, but he couldn't understand that. We didn't love him any less for his behavior, we expected it. We didn't expect him to act more mature than he is. We understood why he was hurting and it was ok. And when it was all over we took him for a toy! God told me that its ok for me to be upset. He loves me anyway, He doesn't expect me to act more spiritually mature than I am, He knows I can't see the big picture, and when this is all over He'll bless me with something wonderful. That has been carrying me through the last few weeks. It didn't change the situation we are in, waiting for the next part of God's plan, but it comforts me to know that He is holding me through it. I hope that encourages someone else too."
That just makes me cry reading it. Only a month later did God begin the process of moving us to Houston. Not that everything is perfect here, perfection is only in heaven. But He already knew the next part of His plan for us. He has brought us on another five years of our journey, safely. He has held on to me even when I wanted to run away from Him. He has loved me even when I was unlovable. He gave me another sweet baby boy that I wouldn't trade for anything. He let me rest and heal from my past and now has me more in love with Him and spending time in His Word than I have since college, only now I see it in a whole new mature, mother and wife way. I understand what a parent's love means. I understand in part what deep love Christ has for his bride, the church. I couldn't grasp that when I was reading His word in college. But now when I sit down to read His love letter to me, I understand things in a whole new way. I want to sit at His feet and hear His voice clearly, and I want to learn more and more about His heart.
Two hundred blogs later, there has been a lot in the middle worth sharing, and some not worth the letters typed on the screen. But I am feeling more and more creative and called to share the message of hope that Christ has given me, so stay tuned for more blogs in the future. 201 will be there soon!