"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do... For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." Romans 7:15-20
Thank you Paul for putting those thoughts on paper for me. I get so frustrated with myself. I was thinking this morning getting ready for church about what a rough week I had had, physically, emotionally and spritually. I didn't feel good, no motivation, a lack of priorities, took lots of naps, and pity parties (see previous posts). And I realized, HELLO, I haven't sat down and spent any time in the word and prayer. Its my own fault. Believe it or not, the weeks I am really good about spending time with Him, I have more energy, I feel better, I get things done faster, I have motivation to get up and do something, and I do it all with a much better attitude. But the past few weeks I have gotten myself back in a hole of taking a nap or laying down to watch tv in the afternoons to rest instead of using that time to read the Bible and pray. I say its because I have had a rough day and "deserve it". Ridiculous! I know better!
Steve's sermon this morning hit me right on point. He was preaching to the graduating seniors about walking down the path of wisdom instead of foolishness, but of course it fits for everyone. He said at one point that the ability to tell yourself "no" is a mark of wise adulthood (my paraphrase.) The one on the path of the wise knows how to make good decisions and is able to weigh consequences wisely. I got convicted about the being able to say "no" part. Every afternoon when I hit that 2:00 moment of exhaustion I have the choice to sit down and watch tv, or take a nap or spend a minute with my Savior. I know what the consequences are to each choice, but somedays, more days than not lately, I am choosing the path of foolishness and am not able to say "no" to my sinful, selfish self. Yes, there are days when as a mom I do need a quick power nap, but not as often as my flesh would say.
It also goes to the way I eat (now its getting personal). I need to lose 10 pounds. My clothes in my closet do not fit me anymore and there is no magic money tree to go buy more. Each day I say that I'm going to do better, cut back on the sugar, walk, drink water, etc. But I am not able to get over my flesh side and say "no" to myself. So I will get up tomorrow and start afresh, and try again to make wise choices and deny my flesh when the choices are clear. I will seek the Lord and His word for my life.
"For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones." Proverbs 2:6-8